When nobody had time to reflect.
When nobody had time to help.

Retired people labored for perfection.
wow it is like my ex breaking my heart all over again…

Stage 1 of painting

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

NO NOT SIGHT

HOLD

I go back to the person I hate the most.
Remember when we were happy?
shock to your system

I puked in a cab, so I gave him a 25% tip.
Then I started doing contours of bag ladies
and listening to mewithoutyou simultaneously thinking
about how wrong people read me.
Then I pictured myself as a lion and that was cool.
Then I thought I lost my grandpa’s ring. I didn’t

Grandpa in his younger days.
My favorite picture. I drew this today.
I am going to send it to my grandma.

I lost my grandpa.
I haven’t had much energy to do much…until today.
Maybe that is what New York is the best at. Kicking you back up.
I know he’d want me keep doing what I love and snap out of it.
So, I started again. Sorry for the missing days.

music

Cold Nites
“I can’t see from how hard I’ll be in where I’ll stay.
I pray for myself again”

I sat on the roof and wrote and listened to this song AGAIN over and over. When I saw them live it was just so beautiful.
And I wonder why I am up at 3 am.
Wait

Well…

anymore

It’s my birthday.

I don’t take many pictures.
It turns me off.
Everything should mean something.
In the last part of my dream
I was holding someone while
they had their knee popped back into place.
I woke up on my bedroom floor to this.
It made me wake up.

You know I hate honesty with myself.
Sometimes I think I am the only one who is ever head on.
I want to scribble all over it, and block it.

RUN

Think about this.

I meant swim.
No I mean float.

I fought, because I didn’t want to be here.
I grabbed her rib, but that doctor brought me out.
So, I will fight while I am here…
Everything about me will be human.
You wanted to be here.
I am sure you giggled when you came out too.
You say it, because you’re numb.
It’s not for my well being.
I can’t be numb. I am not scared of anything.

It came and it took my breath yesterday.
For a day I thought I lost it.
I walked around for two hours with no direction.
I wanted to give him a good tip.
My head itched. You don’t know why I wear the hat.
I woke up today. I am too angry to cry.
Today this is all I took away.

“take care of yourself…
you can’t be your potential without it.”
“fail harder”

It was enough.
Thank you.
——wait——-

I don’t know what hurts/bothers me more.

1. When people tell me I was born with a talent.
2. They neglect my work ethic.
3. I have to feed the ego of some individual when I just want the work.
I just want the chance to create.

I am human and I made sure to create everything from day one.
I wasn’t born with anything. That is the concept.

It isn’t gone.

“We make believe, I’ve never seen your face, you neither me
You catch my eye, I’ll register a smile
You were more than just a friend, oh the feeling
It never came to an ending, I can’t bear to see you”

Living off of feeling is intense.
It is lonely.
It is the way I am.
I didn’t choose anything.
It’s constantly wrecking.
My mind swells. My insides shrink.
Don’t ask me why I am so practical,
when we first meet.

I stared at myself for five hours.
We didn’t have a conversation.
My mom use to push me in a shopping cart.
I think I have a root canal.
This is how reflective I am.
If I could admit everything.
I still wouldn’t.

I control this.
I have you.
I keep you.
Make me feel.
Make me sick.

I have only had one dream when I was seven,
and have been working ever since.

“I forgot fools run
Between half the time I’m sudden
It’s ok it’s over
Innocent (in a sense?)
I long for the other
I will alone forget older after
Don’t be scared it’s over now, I swear”

Lonely Hands

I never had a grip,
but they use me as a grip.

One year after.
Eyes drift farther apart.
Vision is misconstrued

Reminder to myself.
Close my ears.
Keep my vision wide.
Remove myself, never stay.
Only stay grounded.
Understand.
I only want to learn more.
Know I am far from the best.
Work harder than something robotic.
Keep my dream alive.

If only they knew how hard it is to control my love.

What I don’t like.
What I do.
Strategy for the next round.
Honesty, it is the hardest thing especially in the a.m.
It’s like determining your day before it happens.
Hard.
Naked in the open. Staying inside.

Good ol’ heartbreak.

It has always been there.
I give it everything and it only returns beauty.
No, I am not obsessed.
I just don’t know who I would be if I didn’t have it.
It is my everything…so I made it official.
We are now in a civil union.
I proposed yesterday. This is our marriage certificate.
And this is my wedding speech, in my head at 2:26 a.m.
We both are introverts and agreed that big weddings weren’t our thing.
See, we just mesh that well!

Regardless of any superficial bullshit

For all you gave me…